A Slow Burn…Coming Down from the Man
What arises within you when you hear the words “Burning Man”? Is it an eye roll? Is it a feeling of elation? Is it a chest tightening feeling of anxiety?
Over a decade ago, and in what feels like a lifetime ago, while I was living in a warehouse in San Francisco, my (many) roommates would throw parties (raves) to raise money for their Burning Man camp. Black Rock City Ballet. A group of well intentioned professional dancers would stage a performance every year in Black Rock City, where the arts festival takes place.
The entire culture around it just didn’t resonate with me. I wasn’t much of a steampunk enthusiast and found the whole endeavor to be too self-important, perhaps an extension of how I experienced San Francisco and the Bay Area at the time.
While I may have been entitled to my opinion, I’ve come to learn that my perception of BM was wrong, and more importantly, it could be a very meaningful experience for me.
Years later I would attend my first BM and come to understand how truly awesome (in the literal sense of the word) a phenomenon it is.
You can read about the 10 Principles of Burning Man here, which I recommend, but for this blog post, I’m writing about what I came away from this year personally.
Burning Man kicked my ass…
In an unexpected way.. The elements were harsh, including total dust storm white outs that seemed to last for 12 hour intervals. Anything left outside (my boots and bike) were caked in “playa dust” the alkaline sand that has a way of sticking to surfaces like a dry paste. While breaking our camp down towards the end the dust storms kicked up making it hard to breathe.
Before all of that, I danced my face off to great DJs, had wonderful hang sessions with friends I don’t get to see often, and worked two long shifts at the MAPS sponsored Zendo, where I was a sitter for Burners undergoing challenging psychedelic experiences.
My Burn represented a full spectrum of experiences and brought up a range of emotions.
After leaving the Playa I began to feel some chills and had some trouble breathing and I tested positive for Covid. After 2.5+ years of avoiding the virus, it got me. It’s been nearly two weeks and I’m still feeling fatigued, foggy headed and having some shortness of breath.
My expectation and plan to return to the “default world” aka real life and hit the ground running were completely dashed. I have been forced to slow down.
The Burner community has a term for re-entering the default world called “decompression” and there are parties and gatherings associated with facilitating a reintegration considering how jarring the entry can be. I certainly wasn’t up for any gatherings, but instead I had to isolate myself within my own home.
I received some great fiction book recommendations (“Beautiful World, Where are You”), on audio as my system fought the virus.
I was getting a real lesson in surrendering and it was damn frustrating. I had left the Burn with an expectation of feeling recharged, reconnected to myself, my partner, my libido, but instead, I was knocked flat on my ass. The virus lingered, or rather clung like a gremlin on my back, dragging me down.
“Patience” urged my neighbor, who had just endured Covid herself a week prior, “my best advice is to not hurry back into your routine. Rest/ sleep as much as you can. It will be different in a few days.”
As much as this notion made sense logically, the go-go-go culture of Los Angeles can be a powerful force that impacts our physical and emotional states.
Once I began to allow myself to surrender to what had taken over my body I was able to take in quiet moments – sitting and watching the breeze ruffle leaves on a tree. Moments to sit in the fatigue and be grateful that I had a virus that would pass and that it wasn’t chronic fatigue syndrome or some more serious illness.
While a tough, and at many times, a very frustrating lesson, it has ultimately been a valuable one.
I didn’t have the personal insight to come up with this takeaway all on my own. I wish I had the perspective while in it, but instead, it was my therapist I have to thank for helping me reflect on what I was experience and reframe what seemed to only be negative.
To have an attuned professional available to help uncover your own inner wisdom and insight can be a great gift.
The secret is, for many therapists, including myself, it is a gift to be able to help others through this process.
If you’re navigating difficult life transitions and you’re interested in learning more about what therapy with me could be like, please do not hesitate to reach out for a free consultation.
Until then… in dust we trust!