How do you receive notes?

Snapped this photo at the beach. It made me smile in the context of feedback being a gift.

Back when I worked full time in corporate, there was a saying that the company seemed to imbue upon the employees, “feedback is a gift.” The people managers who would be responsible for sharing “perf” results or performance reviews with their reports would preemptively plant this seed as to couch the inevitable difficult conversations when the feedback they had to give was not exactly glowing or “positive”. As sappy as the saying began to feel, I believe it’s true though, in the right context, feedback can be an invaluable gift, even when it’s excruciatingly hard to hear.

In my practice, I invite clients, in fact, I encourage them to give me feedback for what they are experiencing in the work. And in turn, I strive also to provide feedback, or share observations that I hear that I believe will be helpful to them.

I’m currently reading “Like Brothers” by Mark Duplas and Jay Duplas. If you’re not familiar, they are the indie-turned mainstream success filmmakers, actors, writers, artists whose style of filmmaking is entirely unique to them and is defined by their fraternal partnership. The book is largely about their creative process, which I’ve found to be quite inspiring.

They incorporate the process of getting feedback and notes from people in their trusted circle in different phases along the way. They include filmmaker friends and also ask somebody who has no connection to the film industry to weigh in. They seem to walk a line between trusting their instincts (and each other) while also being open to outside perspectives.

I found this approach particularly helpful:

“Our job is to figure out what makes the most sense and often, to find what peole call ‘the note behind the note’, i.e., sometimes people say they want ‘less of this character’ when they really just want more of another character. This phase can be a little confusing, but ultimately we take that feedback and adjust our ouline.”

Often times, people in our immediate circle are giving us notes about how they are experiencing us, but we’re not hearing the note behind the note. This can take some tuning of our own self and emotional awareness. A good therapist will connect dots from what is shared with them and what they experience themselves in the room with the patient and share in a compassionate way. If the therapeutic alliance (fancy way of saying if there is trust between the parties) then the idea is that note, or piece of feedback can be received openly. And if it can’t there’s still work to do there!

Individual therapy and group therapy are wonderful ways to gain the gift of feedback without the same stakes of being in a corporate setting. Although I cringe when I hear (or say) “feedback is a gift”, it’s perhaps because the context when I originally came into contact with it, I was defensive, but I have come to appreciate the spirit of the saying.

How do you receive (and provide) feedback?